Friday, April 06, 2007

I miss you thaththi

It's been three years! Three years since you suddenly departed. Without a warning, without any signs, you suddenly left. I was out of the house at that time. By the time I came to you, you had already gone. Not even a good bye! And I found myself, hugging your lifeless body and crying, unable to believe that you are not going to wake up.

I had to stop crying, I was worried about ammi. I was worried about malli. I was the eldest, I had to be responsible. I was old enough to take up the responsibility. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready because I never envisioned a life without you. I guess I took you for granted. But then as Buddha preached, life never can be taken for granted.

You were more than a father to me. You were my best friend. You understood me perfectly. When I was restless, you gave me the space to grow. When I needed protection, you were a tower of strength, always by my side. You allowed me to live my own life. Never tried to force your dreams or expectations on me. When I did things that you knew were going to fail, you never told me not to. You allowed me to find out for myself. Always there, in case I fell. But when I fell flat on my face, you never said "I told you so". Instead you asked me, "What do you want to do next?"

Last year was a tremendous year in my life thaththi. I too became a father. I now have a little daughter. She is such an adorable kid, I wish you were here thaththi, to see her! She is just five months old, but I sometimes tell her about you. I tell her how much you would have loved her, if you were around. I regret her never getting to know you. She missed the opportunity to know her other seeya. But I will make sure that she will know about you. And I will try to become the father, that you were to me.

Lushi also misses you thaththi. Though doesn't know you that well, though she has met you only twice, she misses you too. She has instantly liked you the first day she saw you. She had thought you were a fun father-in-law to have. You with your jokes and mild manners, you had taken your place with her. She regrets not knowing you better. But I keep telling her about you, about all those little things that you did for us.

Amma has still not got over your departure. She took a long time to get back to her self. Well not really her old self. I guess she can never get back to her old self, because you were such a big part of her for such a long time.

I know malli misses you too. But we have never really spoken about it. You know malli is so much like you. He doesn't want to show his pain to anyone. He keeps it all inside. But I know he misses you terribly. You were his world!

It was you who showed taught us to accept life gracefully and to make the most of it. You taught us the values of living by your principles. You taught us to do our best and to happily accept the results. Your lessons are still in our hearts. Your lessons allow us to live consciously and make the right decisions in these testing times. Not matter how long it has been I still miss having you around thaththi. I used to ask you before every decision I had to make. You never made the decisions for me, instead you showed me all the options. Now, I have to seek the options on my own. I miss your far sightedness.

Above all, I miss your love. I miss your friendship. And I miss you!

We will be having an alms giving in your memory on the 7th (tomorrow). I wish you a short journey through sansara and wish you the supreme bliss of nibbana. But until such time, I want you as my father in each reincarnation! So long thaththi, till we meet again!

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